For those that do not know already, Drama Queen is my eldest daughter. She has been a drug addict for over ten years. Her 3 month old son, Reece, passed away May 20th and she had a terrible relapse. Drugs of choice: Crack and heroin. We were forced to make her leave our home the first of July. She has now been in a women's treatment facility for a month in a city about an hour away. I had not spoken to her since we told her to leave. Now... the update:
She has been writing me letters. Blah, blah, blah is what I read. I replied with a letter to explain why I could not speak or communicate with her. I have to try to take back my life after all these years. It had gotten to the point we did nothing but enable her when trying to help her. No more. She had to do this on her own or suffer the consequences of her decisions. I was not sure how she would react to this letter. Would she accept my explanation and continue her recovery or would she bolt from the facility? It was a toss up. She did need a copy of her birth certificate, but I was not going to send it if she was not there anymore. I made a phone call to her counselor for the first time to see if she was still at the facility. Of course, I had to leave a message. No human can ever talk to you. When the phone rang I thought it would be the counselor, but instead it was DQ. She was still there. She was calm. She said she accepted my letter. She is graduating from the recovery center next week and asked if I would consider coming for that celebration. My response was that I was not going to fall back into the same traps with her and I would have to think about it, but that I was proud of her and glad she was still there. The same day she 'graduates', she will be transported to another place for about six months where she will get a job and begin to learn to live life on her own. This is where she fails repeatedly. This is when I will have to stick to my guns and refuse to help her. She must do it on her own.
Oh yeah, one more 'little' thing. She's pregnant again. I had gotten wind of this news a few weeks ago and went ballistic then. That is FIVE children now. She cannot even take care of herself! She has not decided what she is going to do yet. Adoption is still an option. She knew I was not happy about this, so that part of the conversation was very short.
Hubby and I discussed all of this and I believe I may go to her 'graduation'. Show a little support, but I'm not convinced she's changed. She always does well in controlled environments. The test will be when she is released into the wild.
And with regards to her getting pregnant over and over. With her addiction, she does not use birth control properly (obviously) and probably never will. When she had Reece, she spoke to the doctor about having her tubes tied, but because she had no children living with her, the state refused to do that. Okay, our government at work again! I'd like get my hands on them, but she is at their mercy with no health insurance. If she places this child for adoption, it will be the same answer with regards to permanent birth control. They won't do it no matter how many children she has had. Their reasoning is that she has no children living with her now. IDIOTS! I could rant about that all day, but won't.
Anyway, she seems to be doing okay, but I'm still upset with her and will keep communication at a bare minimum. She must do all of this on her own. Otherwise, my child will die.
On a lighter note, I have to get going now. My nephew (3 years old and big bro to the triplets) went an ENTIRE day without going in 'time out' or picking on the triplets, so I have to take him bowling. That was the agreement made a month ago. It took him a month to make it a day with no 'time outs', so he deserves a bowling night!
16 comments:
You are so precious Sue. I hope I am half the Mom to my baby that you are to DQ.
many warm hugs,
Hey Sue, reading about DQ is so sad. It must be such a difficult thing to witness a child tumbling out of control, yet not being able to help. May God bless you and guide you as you show her some tough love. You are right - she needs to do this on her own and the help of God.
That is some HEAVY stuff. Looking at my two little babies, I cannot imagine there will come a time when I'm faced with the same issues and hope I never am. But I thnk you are making the right decision. You've been let down too many times and I, too would be worried I'd be enabling her.
Stick to your guns. Show her love but also that you mean business. I sincerely hope this time it sticks!
I think that's a tough one with DQ--I'm also not loving a government that keeps letting an addict have children, but that's another story. Does DQ stay clean when she's pregnant? I've heard that some addicts do. I do think you're doing the right thing with her--she needs to stand on her own two feet even if it's really hard for both of you.
Oh, and forget the 49 thing--I'd have guess you were 36. Which would have made you 10 when you gave birth to DQ.
KM
I'm glad to hear she is graduating. It must be tough not to be able to help because helping is enabling and you can't do that because it really doesn't help.
A lady I go to church with has adopted six children from the same woman who is always on drugs. It started out as just four children, then she was pregnant with #5, had #5 then got pregnant with #6 and had #6. All the children were born addicted... The state will not do anything about the procreation because it is against this woman's religious beliefs to use birth control, or so she says.
It's sad that she's not even getting help for the drugs. The state just takes the kids away as soon as she has them.
I hope that Blondie stays on the right road this time.
I pray that you have strength and wisdom to do what's right and what will help her the most.
Angei
Hope you had a great time bowling - - you, I'm certain, are the favorite aunt!!
Sometimes our kids force us to make such tough decisions. DQ knows you love her, now you just have to stick things out while she discovers her well-worn manipulations just won't work anymore.
You are a terrific mom - and a terrific woman. Keep sight of that.
-cindy
That's good that DQ is "graduating" and I really hope she can stick it out this time. I understand that you would be skeptical after so many times of the same thing happening, anyone would. I think you are doing the right thing, supporting her from afar. I think you should go to her graduation, but let her know you are just there to support her efforts, not enable her again. Keep up the good mothering!
I am glad that DQ is still in treatment. I hope that she does well in the next phase. Pregnant again. Oh lord. Is there a way that you and dad can pay for the treatment she needs to make this permanent or is this not an option? How about Depo? It is once every 12 weeks and there is virtually no chance she can get pregnant. I am keeping you all in my prayers. She still has such a long way to go and I hope that she can do it this time. Please stay strong and keep your guard up, it is what is keeping you strong and steady and on course. She may not realize this now, but you are doing the best thing for her and for you now.
Many hugs!
Becca
Sue,
I am so sorry for what you are going thru, and you know I have been EXACTLY where DQ is now, and therefore it makes me revisit what this must have done to my Mother as well, and I am ashamed all over again.
Unfortunately, it took me facing 4 years in prison before I ever finally hit bottom. Tell DQ not to go that far. Tell her that in order to hit bottom, the easiest way is to just stop digging.
I wish I could help explain why she does what she does, but there is no real explanation for any of it. When the drug takes hold of you, it is very hard to let it go. I had many bouts with the law and rehab over the years, but nothing ever stuck unless I was being drug tested at the time, in a controlled environment.
I was 36 when I finally gave it up, and that was originally due to legal troubles, but after I had my daughter, everything in my life changed for me, and I could not see using drugs ever again, simply for her sake if nothing else. It was as if God had given me a new lease on life, and the past didn't matter anymore, only the future for my little girl.
Since that is what did it for me, it is hard for me to understand why DQ is still using since she has children, so I don't know what it will take for her, but you are doing the right thing.
Once my parents accepted me back in the past, it was comfort time, and I went right back to what I had been doing. I know how hard it is for you to be holding your ground right now, but know, from an addict whose parents always gave in, that you are doing the right thing. If my parents hadn't of enabled me by bailing me out everytime, maybe I would have come around sooner. I'm praying for you and DQ.
Just remember, you will get thru this, and of all the people I have come to know in the blog world, with the strength you have shown in overcoming all of what life has thrown at you so far, if anyone can do this, it is you.
Take care, and stay the course. You are an inspiration, and you are doing EXACTLY the right thing.
Support, but DO NOT enable. It will get harder before it gets easier, so prepare for that.
The single best piece of advice I can give you, if you haven't already checked it out, is to go check out an Al-Anon meeting. The really teach you how to not blame yourself for what is happening, take back your own life, and how to support without enabling. You owe it to yourself to take advantage of the free information and support.
For the way you are handling this situation, drug counselors and parents of addicts all over world would applaud you.
Keep up the good work.
You are a great Mom.
~
Oh Sue, I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now. My heart definately goes out to you. I only hope that if faced with the same situation I will be as strong as you. Strength is a powerful trait, and you definately have it girl.
I'm so sorry to hear about DQ again. I wish there was something I could do to erase the pain. Please know I'm hear for you.
-hugs-
Dana
I'm sorry, I meant to say I'm here for you, not "hear" for you. Duh. I'm kind of spacey today!
Oh, honey. It is never easy to read when you talk about her because I know you love her so much. All you want to do is save her life. I'm so sorry.
Hello my friend,
You sound like you are doing okay though. Rolling with the punches.
Blessings,
Sabine
The STATE and its infinite un-wisdom!
I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, Sue, I hope she is able to make it on her own out there.
I'll be back to catch up on your blog.
Isn't amazing all the money that the government (aka "we") will pay for a child born to a parent who is unable to take care of their own needs? But that same government will refuse to take proactive measures so that they won't get pregnant again.
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