Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Butterflies and Tears
I was up very early this morning to travel and see Drama Queen graduate from the inpatient recovery center. It's an hour drive to the center and the entire time I had knots in my stomach. I nearly turned back twice. But I didn't. I pressed on. When I followed the map to the address, I realized this was a neighborhood I had chased her down before seven years earlier. I nearly cried right there. I tried to ignore my surroundings and get myself in the door as soon as possible.
The moment I walked in the door, DQ was there waiting for me. She looks fabulous! An addict's body detiorates with use very quickly, the acne is horrendous, body becoming more like a shell with bones protruding. They look sick. DQ was radiant. Her hair was shining and healthy. I cannot remember her face looking so smooth and beautiful in years. Her body is perfect. She is not overweight from eating too much starch (happens in some rehabs) and it is not thin (from not eating enough). And then there's that tummy. No doubt she is pregnant. My heart sank when I actually saw this.
She took me to the room where all the women residents and counselors had gathered for her graduation and closing ceremony. There is a coin with the name of the center on it. DQ is not allowed to touch it yet. One at a time, each girl held that coin and spoke. They expressed to my daughter what she meant to them. They expressed what they wish to take from her. Then expressed what they wish to give to her. What was expressed over and over is DQ's strength, her knowledge of the 12 step program, and her love of people. Of course, I know all these things. It was nice to hear about twenty other women say the same things about my girl. Then the coin was handed to her. There were many, many tears among these women. They have grown close in a short time.
DQ loves butterflies. While she was in this center, she would have a Monarch butterfly floating around her whenever she was outside. She took this as a sign that it was Reece staying close to her. Whenever the other girls were outside and a butterfly would flutter around, they come in and let DQ know that Reece was outside. DQ beamed as she told me this. She blames herself for Reece's death. She is doing much better, but has a long road ahead still.
I then drove her to the next residence she will stay for three to six months. This is what is different this time around. Usually, you finish the inpatient program and they open the door with a good luck and don't let the door hit you on the way out! This place is supervised, but not a lock down inpatient facility. It is a re-integration facility. There are counselors to help her on site. The clinic and doctor is a couple of blocks down the road. She will hopefully be looking for a job soon. She will work on finishing her GED. She only has the Math portion left to pass. Damn Math. She missed passing it the last time by two lousy points.
I'm still not convinced anything has changed with her. She claims she has 'gotten over' Reece's father, yet he was thinking of attending her graduation until he heard I would be there. Wise choice to not come. He is the father of the present bun in the oven. I guess time will tell. The good thing is she is not in our metro area. She is very close to Blondie, but she doesn't know where Blondie lives now. We are going to keep it that way for now. Both of my girls are now in Jayhawk Country.
I pray she makes it this time, but I already feel we are heading down the old familiar road. God help me.