Tuesday, August 22, 2006

State of Mind? Are you kidding me?

I have been negligent on this little space. It will never grow and I will never make the transistion if I don't get a move on, so here I am.

As many know, this has been an incredibly bumpy summer for yours truly. I am coming to terms with the death of my grandson Reece. Really. I'm not just saying that. I visit his grave every week if even for a minute to remind him to take care of his mom, Drama Queen. Speaking of which, I spoke to her today and she is doing fairly well. This is the first time I've spoken to her since she relapsed and we kicked her out of the house the first of July. She graduates from recovery program on Tuesday. More on that maybe tomorrow. I am beginning to take my life back after more than ten years of dealing with her and her addiction. My baby girl turned 21 as everyone on earth knows. This is difficult. My baby is an adult. What does that make me? Sure I'm still a mom, but not in the same way. She is spreading her wings even wider right now and this is the most challenging of all. I have no other younger children to focus my attention.

My birthday was in June. When I turned 30, no problem. Sure it was the end of an 'era', but I wasn't devastated. Before I knew it the big 4-0 hit. Still, nothing to be upset about. I never looked my age. I always looked younger and felt younger. My focus was my girls. Turning 40 was no big deal at all to me. It was a celebration!

Let's fast forward to June, 2006. Turning 49. My eldest is turning 26 this year. My baby is turning 21. I am a grandmother to five grandchildren. Yeah, the big news I received. She's pregnant AGAIN! I'll rant about that later! Anyway... Inside I don't feel 49. Inside I don't want to be 49. Inside I don't think 49. Inside I forget I'm 49. Oh... that's a good thing? I hear you out there saying that. Liars! It's not a good thing.

I've read Oprah. I've seen the articles and books about how you are only as old as you feel. I have truly struggled with this all summer. It's all bullshit. You can think that all you want, but you are lying to yourself. At some point you have to look in that mirror! Mirrors do not lie! Forty-nine is staring me in the face. I have aged ten years in the last four years. It's not right. It's not fair. I have thought about this the past three months and now I must go on the offensive. It's time to go into the maintenence phase of my life.

Do any of you truly understand this? If you are under 45 you do not.
Right now I wish I had schmoozed more with the plastic surgeon that married a childhood friend of mine. Maybe he would give me a discount. I wish my Godfather, the dentist, was a decent man and would whiten my teeth as a gift.

It's now time to start with more lotions, pedicures, possible facials, doing something about the horrible varicosities that keep recurring in the legs. It's time to begin taking more baths with bath oils to try to save this skin that was burnt to a crisp over and over growing up before sunscreen and being fair skinned and freckled. OYE! I do not like baths. I'm weird like that.

And yesterday, picking up the triplets as I've done a million times in the past year and a half I strain my back. Another reminder. Don't forget how OLD you are becoming. Time to call the family doctor and get that physical you haven't had since... well, let's just say I can't remember the last time I had real physical.

I was thinking about all this and getting more pissed off as I stopped off at the bookstore to pick up something the other day when I came across a new release. Nora Ephron's new book "I Feel Bad About My Neck". An excerpt from this little gem:

"Every so often I read a book about age, and whoever's writing it says it's great to be old. It's great to be wise and sage and mellow; it's great to be at the point where you understand just what matters in life. I can't stand people who say things like this. What can they be thinking? Don't they have necks?"

This from the woman who wrote "When Harry Met Sally", "Sleepless in Seattle", and "You've Got Mail". I love this woman. She is my hero! I now know I am not alone in my thinking.


one_big_pain said...

Oh my. Yep, I feel your pain. I have been betrayed by my body . . . in this little head of mine I could still be that 21 year old rockin' the night away, but my knees just couldn't take it . . .

I need a margarita.


brenda said...

I'm getting that book. :) So have you ever thought about becoming a writer, Sue? I'm amazed at the "voice" you show in your blogs.

Oh, and I can't believe you're 49--you don't look a day over 40!

Sarah said...

I turned 21 and my mom turned 50 within three days of each other. People would say to her "how are you feeling about turning 50? Every time she would say "I feel worse about Sarah turning 21."

You remind me of my mom. She has also looked way younger than she is. Not that long ago someone told her they thought she was in her late 30s. She just said thanks. The funny thing is she has never done anything with her skin. No makeup, nothing. Until I started selling Mary Kay. Then she got into a couple creams and stuff, but still nothing major. I hope I hold up like she has, but I doubt it since I have had to use harsh acne face washes and stuff for almost 10 years now!

Christine said...

I am 41 and I think I look older. I, too, have aged a great deal inthe last several years. At least you are brave enough to post photos of yourself.


Siobhan said...

I'm turning 41 in a few weeks and I am not looking forward to it. I din't mind 40 at all, but 41 is hitting me kind of hard because I am starting to look it. I don't recognize the face in the mirror anymore. I need to find a plastic surgeon to schmooze up to! :) There is no way that you look 49. I hope that I look that good, hell I'd like to look that good now!

She's pregnant again??? Has this child heard of birth control? Do you think maybe she is trying to replace Reece? Well, maybe it will help to keep her straight. We can only hope and pray!
Good luck

Miranda said...

I hate baths, too.


Miranda said...

I hate baths, too.


Becca said...

You know I am 42, and fat, chunky, whatever, but I am comfortable with my age. I am not going to worry about not looking my age. Hey why not be who you are? I am not anything less than 42. I am here, and the alternative is far worse. I love my life and everyday that I am here is a joy and I am going to live it to its fullest!


-S. said...

I am only 35 and there are days now when I can't stand it. A lot of it is due to breaking my shoulder last December, but anywho.

I am happy that you are moving on and out of the DQ saga, but I am also sorry that she is pregnant again.

Give yourself a hug from me.


Keith said...

I get so sad everytime I think about Reece. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child like that. You are holding up so well.

Don't worry about looking your age. I'm only 38, but I started going really bald about two years ago, so I look 49! There is nothing worse, and no joke more cruel for God to play on a man than baldness. You look older than you feel, and so you begin to feel older. It just sucks.

Anyway, I like your new space, and the page loads much faster than at msn. Are you leaving MSN for good?

I hope not. I am wondering if I take down the 'Friends' thingy, and don't have any media player or anything, do you think the pages would load faster?

I'll have to try that and see.

Anyway, take care, and you look great for your age, so don't worry too much about it.

SherrySherry said...

Hey Sue, first of all, you look GOOD for your age so don't worry about it too much. In fact,I think you should start planning a big 50th birthday bash and celebrate life. Let's face it - you could be 49 and be in a much worse situation. Have a drink and celebrate every freckle - you are beautiful!

Sorry about DQ being pregnant again. That's tough! The pain from Reece being gone will hopefully get better as time goes by. You will never forget, but you will begin to feel better.

Nice space.......first time here. Now I have to go back to msn and leave a comment there:) Lots of hugs from me to you.

deannie said...

Oh Sue. I started down that path of taking better care of myself a year ago and it is worth every second. I actually love baths; after working out my body begs for something warm and soothing!!

I can't imagine not having your voice in my life now. I REALLY appreciate talking to a woman of substance and experience any day. That is what I see when I see someone my age (40) or greater. Maybe you need to take a new picture? Oh hell, what am I saying? We all have these moments, don't we? Warm hugs to you from Virginia...

InTheFastLane said...

Sometimes I feel old at 32. And other days I think I am still a teenager. I spend a lot of time amazed at the fact that I am actualy and adult doing all those adult things like worrying about the interest rate on the mortage and discussing the kids' education. This probably doesn't help you however. But, I guess thie point it that no matter what age we are, we might not feel completely comfortable with that number.

Malathionman said...

I kinda ragged on you about having to post here, but you set up your space so non members can respond. That was very thoughtful for someone who is getting so old and forgetful. :)

freckledsasha said...

Well, my mom is 48, and she is feeling the same way you are. She keeps telling me about this and that she is noticing (wrinkles, age spots). She has always gotten onto me about taking care of my skin and body and to not do the things she did. I always wonder what it will be like when I am older... I think I am more open to getting some work done that I used to be :)
I have a few friends in their early 30's getting nose jobs, boob jobs, and lipo... I can't imagine how they will feel when they are over 50. They will look like one of those plastic faces... ewe